My Adult Son Recently Died

 Technique - Individualism and Suffering

~Jiddu Krishnamurti

Recapturing The Experience Of Yesterday 

Posted Quotation:

Look, sirs, you see a lovely sunset, a beautiful tree in a field, and when you first look at it, you enjoy it completely, wholly; but you go back to it with the desire to enjoy it again. What happens when you go back with the desire to enjoy it? There is no enjoyment, because it is the memory of yesterday’s sunset that is now making you return, that is pushing, urging you to enjoy. Yesterday there was no memory, only a spontaneous appreciation, a direct response; but today you are desirous of recapturing the experience of yesterday. That is, memory is intervening between you and the sunset; therefore, there is no enjoyment, no richness, fullness of beauty. Again, you have a friend who said something to you yesterday, an insult or a compliment, and you retain that memory; and with that memory you meet your friend today. You do not really meet your friend—you carry with you the memory of yesterday, which intervenes; and so we go on, surrounding ourselves and our actions with memory, and therefore there is no newness, no freshness. That is why memory makes life weary, dull, and empty. - J. Krishnamurti, The Collected Works vol V, p 119

What Is The Purpose Of Funeral Rituals

Please forgive 'the messenger' but I am going to write a blog that directly concerns my life. Again, I offer no advice nor seek any followers because that diminishes the direct perception of reality whenever you follow someone, in the emotional, psychological or spiritual realm of life. And, I'm not telling the world about this in order to seek sympathy. I am talking about it to show that no matter what problems or situations that life presents us with, it can be sanely faced without seeking an emotional escape, which would only cause self-destruction.

My youngest son recently died of a drug overdose. Since 2009, he had been in and out of mental hospitals. He refused to stay in the mental care facilities or on the medications that made him feel like he was mentally numb and dead inside. He was survived by his older brother who he was extremely envious of. He was 34 years old when he died December 12, 2016. He called 911 stating that he felt like hurting himself. He was admitted into the ER on December 7th and they worked on reviving him up until the 12th. Cocaine was found in his system. He was severely anemic and was suffering from immune thrombocytopenia and  leukocytosis.  He died of renal failure. He lived in isolation. He criticized anyone he ever associated with or lived with. When his father died in 2008 and right after that his personal relationship also ended that he had been in for several years (before his drug addiction or mental breakdown), it triggered a psychotic break when he lost both his father and lover.

I had to admit him into a mental health facility in 2009 because he had become a danger to himself and others. For a while the medication made it possible for him to be functional. And, he started to think that he really didn't need the medication anymore. Plus, he didn't like the side-effects of not being able to think clearly. Before he got sick, he was an accountant for a large firm that had sent him to China to work on their accounts associated with his firm. He was also an artist. But all of his talents faded away after the death of his father and the breakup of his lover. It caused his envy towards his older brother to intensify even more.

He had been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic (which my mother and brother had, too). My sister was diagnosed as being bi-polar depressive. Growing up I sensed mental illness in my family was strong. That is the main reason why I began questioning where and how does mental illness begin. It's not without a cause. All things in life have a cause, even if we can't understand it, yet. When I was a 6-year old child, I witnessed my mother torture and beat to death my 18-month old brother. My other two brothers and one sister were asleep when it happened. But, I was wide awake and saw everything. At that time, my father was living with another wife. He was also abusive to my mother and my siblings and myself. He was a drunk and compulsive gambler.

It was forbidden to ever discuss what had happened. So the tragic episode festered in my emotional mind for many years. I regularly had powerful nightmares up until I started learning about Holistic Self-Observation, which was when I was around 21 years old. I had tried all of the traditional approaches to trauma, and they all failed and made my mind even more upset. I tried metaphysical positive affirmations. I tried Transcendental Meditation. I tried praying. I tried becoming materialistically successful which led to the increase of emotional pain. What I had witnessed caused me to hate myself and I was full of rage. I basically didn't want to live at all. And, I did experiment with drugs in my college days in order to try to escape from the past tragedy I had seen. The worst part was that it was my mother and father that had been the greatest threat to my sanity.

Yes, I did begin this blog message by talking about the death of my youngest son. But, I only bring up my background to show how I did understand (up close and personal) about mental suffering. At times, I thought I was going to go crazy and never snap out of it. It felt like I was drowning in a dark black hole and nobody could help me. So I could understand how confused and afraid my dead son felt and why he gave up on living.

Jiddu Krishnamurti in New York City, 1966 - 6 on 6

I personally feel that psychological therapy does not work. It can only help some people live with mental illness. But for some people, the mental disturbance and the medication to suppress it is unbearable. It's like making a lame horse live without any way of healing. Now, when I started reading Jiddu Krishnamurti and listening to his talks, I got even more upset. But a strange thing happened – I couldn't stop going back to listen and read more of what he was talking about, because deep down something at the core of my being sensed that it was REAL! It was not an escape or a cover-up. Just like when you suffer a great injury, the recovery may be painful, but it is a HEALING PAIN. Healing pains are beneficial and they build strength.

Going back into my childhood, briefly, I not only witnessed what happened to my infant brother, but prior to that I had watched my parents be mentally and physically brutal toward each other and to us, their children. I spent the first 5 years of my life alone for much of the time. My parents were living apart and my mother gave me to my father (who was living with another wife, illegally). My father was brutal toward her, as well. My step mother was away from the home for long periods of time. In those days, there was only the radio for entertainment and I had no toys to play with. So I naturally began to question what I was and what is this voice in my head that is talking? I explored my body and mind, extensively. It was all that was around. For me, questioning myself came very naturally and easily. And, after my brother was killed in front of my eyes, I could not help but to question even more. I even asked people around me what was going on and why. But, everyone kept telling me to forget about it and just go play. But, I didn't feel like playing. I needed answers, not only to what had happened, but why people were so afraid to talk about it.

After many years, I realized that nobody would ever want to hear about what I had witnessed. So I stopped talking to people about it. Then, the disturbance sank deep into my subconscious mind. How did I know that it had sank there, because I had nightmares that kept repeating. Most people would have turned to pills to help escape from emotional pain. But, that is only a trick. Until I came across J. Krishnamurti's findings, I was drowning. Every time I had an emotion that was deeply upsetting, I began reading J.K., but not as an escape but it helped me to investigate how I was feeling. So I started experimenting by paying full attention to my mind. Instead of treating my feelings like they were separate particles that were invading my mind, I then realized that I WAS MY FEELINGS. This caused me to understand that the act of pushing away or ignoring my state of mind meant that I was fighting myself and causing my suffering to magnify. I wondered what would happen if I were to ride my feelings like a surfer riding a huge oceanic wave. I also started to see that my thoughts, feelings and emotions were just like waves that were sometimes calm or wild undercurrents. But, since I AM those waves, I would just deeply attend to everything that I was thinking and feeling. At first, this was quite scary and difficult, because traditional society had misled my mind to think that I should distance myself from my emotional responses (that meant splitting my emotional being into). So I was conditioned. But, J.K. said that in order to be free of conditioning one needs to learn about its every movement through being sensitively aware, not by concentrating. Concentration is exclusively focusing on one part of my mind. However by being Sensitively-Aware, that is a mental state of mind that INCLUDES ALL of my emotional responses. Therefore, I began detecting how my mind had been deluding itself by trying to escape from myself (through my emotional imagination). That is when my mind imposed opposing ideals to try to live up to, which only increased my misery and confusion.

Even, when I first became a young mother, I was still dissolving my emotional conditioned thinking. But, I kept on learning through watching my mind. And, clarity emerged. The nightmares faded away, completely. I haven't had a nightmare in decades, now. I think the reason why I could stick in there even when things got very ugly was because of not being afraid to be alone with myself. Most people are fearful of being alone. They turn to others to help them distract themselves from how they truly feel.

Now as I raised my two sons, I showed them the nature of emotional part of life. But they were more influenced by the masses and things in the media. They wanted to be a part of the “norm” (emotional traditions). The thing about the understanding of your mind is that you can't force anyone, not even your own children, to want to understand themselves, deeply. All you can do is present it to them, but it's ultimately up to them if they are going to take it seriously. As for me, I had to take it seriously, because I knew that I would go insane unless I deeply understood myself. It's the hardest thing to do in the world. The greatest challenge in life is your (emotional) SELF.

Even though my son is dead, the challenge is my emotional response to his death because he is no longer suffering. His pain has ended. Death that hits close to home causes a person to take a deep look inside oneself. The challenge is can I look at myself, completely and honestly. Usually when one loses a close relative, one is conditioned to seek sympathy or even pity – I DON'T! Again, I'm not writing this so that people can say, “I'm sorry for your loss.” That is having a victim mentality. I am not a victim, here. It is an opportunity to learn about emotional conditioning. I wont claim that my dead son had no responsibility in his mental dilemma. I was not lucky. I had attempted suicide in my youth many times. But, my life had a purpose that was hard for me to see at the time. My son wanted me and others to fix his life for him, and no one can do that for another.

Once when he was very young, he was very frightened of foam heads (the heads that hats are placed on in a display window). He would start crying frantically every time he saw the foam head. So one day I took him gently by the hand and I sat down with him and I said to him that mommy is going to look at this foam head, and I asked him to look at it with me. At first he pulled away and looked away. But as I kept looking at it, I gently took his hand and placed it on the foam head. He kept on crying but eventually he stopped crying and he started looking at it with me. For a very long time we sat there looking at the foam head. Then, all of a sudden, he began to laugh at the foam head. And, he started laughing and playing with it. I looked into his eyes and I could see that he realized that the foam head was not anything to be afraid of.

You see fear, is caused by your imagination. It was what he was thinking about the foam head that made him fear it. But, when he came into direct contact with the reality and stopped thinking about the foam head, he realized that there was no danger. My youngest son was very sensitive about his surroundings and was easily spooked by it. I could relate to that because as a small child, I was afraid of nature (animals, bugs, cars, vacuum cleaners, TV's, etc.). I was afraid of any monster in a movie. I would cover my eyes and plug my ears to avoid being in contact with monster movies. And, over time my fear intensified. I realized that I was too old to be afraid of a Hollywood trick.

One day I was watching a movie by Alfred Hitchcock called, “Vertigo”. You can rent the video and view it, if you wish. But in a nutshell, this man was afraid of heights. But when his fiancee was captured and placed on the edge of a cliff and he saw her hanging there about to fall to her death, he climbed up the mountain to save her. As he was climbing higher and higher, he paused and got dizzy. But, whenever she screamed out for help, he shook it off and kept on going. The movie was teaching me a valuable lesson, which was that when you are scared of something, the fear can only dissolve by facing it head on. So after I watched that movie after I saw him face his fear of heights and saved his fiancee, I went around looking for every monster movie I could find, and I began to look into the monsters' eyes and listened closely to the sounds it made. And, suddenly I no longer feared any monster movie. For years I watch Netflix and paid close attention to thrillers, horror movies, every kind of ugly movie ever made. And, I also began to see the weaknesses of the monsters and that the monsters were terrifying the world because the monster was terrified of itself.

So while my son was growing up, I would gently sit with him and face his fears with him. But somewhere along the line, he just began hiding from his emotions. And, I could see that if he didn't face his true thoughts and feelings that he would get consumed by them. So as he became a young adult, he decided that I didn't know what I was doing, and he began to view me as being crazy. So I no longer was close with him because he pushed me away, mentally. Anything I had to say or suggest was viewed as being nonsense. So I gave him the space that he demanded. When I was invited back into his life, I could see things taking a turn for the worst. Since he was unable to observe his emotional responses, he had to be hospitalized and placed on mental medication. I knew it was only a temporary remedy. And, it turned out to be true. I have never taken medication for emotional pain, and I never will. Plus, I no longer feel overwhelmed by my emotions.

I am not labeling what I am feeling about the sudden death of my son. I am just feeling the reality of how I feel without any control at all (meaning without bias). Whenever I label a feeling (like the psychologists do), my mind is dividing and isolating itself away from itself, which is that mental distress. Mental pain must be directly felt, fully. When a woman gives birth, she should feel the pain because that pain represents a new life coming into the world. You know how people say that this universe began with “The Big Bang”, well that was a disturbance, was it not? It took a great jolt to bring our universe into existence. When women give birth that is a great jolt that brings children into this world. So, death does the same thing, too. It's a great upheaval. And, I don't want to have anyone trying to soften that emotional upheaval. It must be felt throughout my WHOLE BEING!

So when people go through the traditional rituals of arranging funerals for the dead, they are not doing it for the dead. The dead is no longer here. The reason why they want the funeral is in order to escape from how they deeply feel. They bask in the past in an effort to ignore the fact that that person will never be seen or heard in real life ever again. The mind fears ending because its nature is to CONTINUE. Anything that does not continue is something that we don't want to be true.

My son died on the west coast of USA, I live on the east coast. So I was invited to attend my son's funeral, however, I respectfully declined. Because, it would merely be an emotional escape to discuss my son with people at the funeral so that they would try to encourage me to reminiscence about the dead past memories in order to escape from the present situation. For, that is a fragmentation or division in my mind so that I can distract myself from the painful feelings that I am having with regard to the ending of my son's life. The funeral is not for him, really. It's for the survivors who fear death. I do not fear death at all. Death is something that I live with every moment of everyday. You see there is physical death and there is psychological death. Most people are conditioned to avoid psychological death so that when physical death happens to someone close to them, they freak out.

What is psychological death? It is the facing of whatever you feel about anything that is going on in your daily life. When I say facing what you feel, I mean being honest with yourself. One is dishonest when you seek the opposite of what you feel in order to try to get rid of “IT”. But, “IT” (your feeling) is YOU! You can't get rid of yourself without destroying yourself. So I don't wish to avoid how I feel about my son's recent death. I understand that labeling what I feel is an escape, a division. That is what destroys sanity and clarity of mind. The mind must be WHOLE and a Light Unto Itself. 

After all, there is no challenge in life that is too great to Holistically Observe. And, when I Observe how I feel about his death, I am psychologically ending how I feel through the very OBSERVATION, alone. To see myself exactly as I am, is to be free of what I am feeling, without seeking to be free. I am not seeking at all. When you go to funerals the grieving are seeking an escape, so they talk about what the dead person did in their past experiences. It's like trying to keep the dead person alive just a little while longer through remembering what that person was like. This ritual is a form of blocking the grieving state of mind from being in full contact with their or my emotional disturbance that is associated with a relative or friend who has just died. All of these deceptions are not Real-Love at all. For, Real-Love is Holistic, not fragmentary sentimentalism.

My son led a very miserable life, for the most part. And, he ran away from how he felt about everything. He did a great deal of condemning, criticizing and mental hiding. These are not criticisms, but facts. Now his struggle is over. Would I really want him to go on suffering and hurting himself? Some might say that you could get him some help. He had gotten so-called help many times – only to run away from that, as well. Once a mind starts running, it can't stop running. To run away from yourself is to kill yourself – that's an undeniable fact.

Life is for the living. To live means to face your feelings about all of the challenges in your own life. If you don't want to be in touch with yourself, completely, then you don't want to live. The point in facing your feelings is to learn about yourself and therefore behave sanely, peacefully and harmoniously. If there is no harmony in your mind, then one is in hell. Hell is mental. It is your fear of being in contact with everything, and I mean everything, that I/you emotionally think and feel.

The world is in so much pain, and the corporate brainwashing machine is telling us to run away from ourselves. Go seek out some mobile app to play silly games to distract your mind away from how it feels. Go buy some clothes or cars or whatever to temporarily trick your mind into thinking that it is happy. Happiness does not lie in material consumption of endless gadgets of amusement. Happiness is not the seeking of more and more pleasure. Happiness is not being financially successful. Happiness cannot be sought after, because the "seeker" is only trying to run away from some disturbing qualities taking place in their psyche. The seeking of pleasure only ultimately ends up in pain. So happiness is what left over once you understand the self-deceptions of the mind. 

That is why I can calmly live with how I feel about whatever is going on in my daily life, because I understand that my thoughts/feelings are me, and so I see the futility of mental escapism. I am not delusional to seek to feel better than I feel. There is only “What Is” taking place in my consciousness. It is like harsh weather conditions where you can go nowhere but deal with the weather condition until it naturally ends, and ending is psychological death. You can't seek psychological death. Seeking is the continuity of the very thing that I don't like to feel. You see that thought is a contradiction when it makes any move to try to make itself feel better. That is the natural limitations of the mind. It can't fix itself. So when it realizes this as a fact, then my mind stops moving in any direction and just lives with the fact of how I feel about the death of my youngest son.

So I declined to play the social game of funeral services, because it is the past feeding itself. The past is dead. Life is living, observing “What I Feel”. Funerals are habitual scripted behavior when one is feeling very upset and turns to others for emotional security. There is no emotional security, no emotional certainty. You can't control how you feel, but you can learn about what you feel by simply communing with how I feel. Learning lies in the communion with my feelings, of which I am those feelings. Therein lies true freedom to be in touch with myself without being afraid. The monster is the way I feel about my son's death. I am looking at that monster straight into its eyes. I am listening to every single sound of that monster (which is how I feel about my son's death). I am making full contact with the monster that is my mind. Then, the monster naturally dies. And, then my mind is emptied of all its emotional images, ideals and beliefs. Then there is PEACE, HAPPINESS/BLISS, LOVE!

And, that is why I refuse to play the traditional funeral game. My son is no longer in his body, so why view his body? My other son is going to view his body so that he can walk down memory lane and try to imagine him still being in his life. That is an escape from reality. But, if he wants to do that, I wont stand in his way. On the other hand, I will not surrender to peer-pressure, emotional guilt trips or social bullying in order to make me conform to an emotional mind-control game. Even if I am resented for not playing along with the funeral ritual game, I am perfectly okay with that. Because, I realize that those that hate me are out of touch with reality and are psychologically dead. I am only concerned with the living, not with the dead. This world is mainly into dead worshiping.

After a famous person dies, suddenly everybody wants his works. This is a dead world that makes it super hard to live. Gaining access to material resources for our biological survival is overly complicated, which drives many people into taking their lives. Then, they go to their funerals pretending to feel bad for them, when the economic system is driven by ruthlessness and drives people to want to take drugs in order to get away from the hardship of living. Humanity is a very unnatural species that does not cooperate and use their talents and shares them freely (like the rest of life does). The air is not selling itself to us. Water is not selling itself to us. Everything outside of Humans is giving of itself freely.

But the reason why we buy and sell life and fight each other to get what we need to live is because the whole game is nothing but an ego-trip, which is unnatural. Ego seeks psychological superiority by sacrificing the masses so that a handful of people can have it easy and also to dominate the masses with laws that they don't have to obey. The masses are protecting their self-images (their egos) and they refuse to see that this very ego-protection is what is responsible for giving the small elite group the power to dictate to them how they must live, which is that people are conditioned to live in fierce competition against one another. They don't freely share their talents and skills, because each person is mentally fighting to be higher than their peers so that people can imagine themselves to be emotionally safe (which is a total illusion). So they made up the egotistical game of buying and selling life, which is foolishness. This is the reason why most people have been restricted from having access to their physical needs (not their psychological wants - but needs).

We NEED Physical Security, which is naturally innate. But, our perverted, warped world is rooted in “National Security”. What is that? It is ones emotional identification of thinking that my group is better than another group. And where there is psychological-want, then the Physical NEED must be sacrificed. So there is war between the groups, forever. And, hence the daily battle of cloaked psychological warfare while trying to take care of our basic survival. 

My son couldn't handle the pressure that he placed upon himself. He compared and measured himself against is older brother, who is very materialistic and ambitious. The older son has a gigantic ego that thinks that he is superior and secure (when subconsciously he is not, really). My sons emotionally competed with each other. One won the game and the other one lost the game. I did not raise them to think and behave that way. But, they acquiesced  to the media and social peer pressure to socially fit in and accept the status quo. But, my son who died was greatly intimidated by his older brother's success, so he got consumed by hatred and envy. 

He failed to understand the lesson as a young child with the foam head, which was that it was his emotional imagination that was the problem that needed to be paid attention to. Instead, he imitated the traditional social norms and got swept away, emotionally, in a vortex of self deceit. In other words, his mind was in a battle (just like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde). And, it was inevitable that things ended the way that they did, which was most unfortunate. You can offer the horse water, but you can't force the horse to drink the water. I offered my son a way of surviving this loveless world, but he opted to ignore it. And so his mental illness grew into a giant monster that consumed itself.

However, I never have played the emotional, social game. I don't conform to the script. Now when my oldest son said that I should be a part of the funeral services and attend, I wrote him back that I shall not be attending because I don't feel the need for doing so. I have said good-bye to my dead son in my heart. His journey is over. And, I am NOTHING in this world. That means it does not matter what others think about my responses. If they dislike or even hate me for how I respond, then I will Holistically (without bias) be aware of how I feel about the way they feel towards my response to not go along with tradition (which is past emotional behavior patterns, which is mind-control). For, nothing is more important than the FREEDOM TO BE HONEST WITHIN ONESELF. For me, it is a great dishonesty to go to a funeral where people will be engaging in automatic-speak. You are expected to say certain things even if you don't really feel that way. I am not a hypocrite who pretends to be something that I am not feeling.

This rotten world never changes because most people are too afraid to step outside of their scripted thinking and speaking. There is an energy that supports life that lies outside of this dead-thinking world. And, it is that energy that has sustained my life for decades. And it is that same energy of holistic perception that will see me through this challenge, as well. Seeing myself as I am is freeing the mind from all its limitations. There is no effort to try to make myself feel or do anything that doesn't flow naturally. After I attended my husband's funeral I realized that this whole thing is just an act that people are putting on. And, I no longer want any part of it.

It is not disrespectful to my dead son, for he is dead. He can't feel anything anymore. The funeral tradition is only a show that people perform at to try to act like they are loving beings. Love and “the past” are exclusively unrelated. Where there is LOVE, there is the Living Present and facing things exactly as they are. But, where there is HATE, there is the pretense of caring and concern. It's merely a performance about caring. Real caring is not faked. I cared about my dead son, and I saw him exactly for what he felt. He hated himself and his brother and the world, including me. You can't hate yourself without hating the world. I don't hate myself, for if I did, I would attend my son's funeral and pretend right along with the rest of the pretenders. And once the show is over when there are no more witnesses, we all go home to think and feel what we covered up at the funeral.

It is this duplicitous thinking and behavior that makes the world so violently insane. And no religious leader, political leader or gang leader can save any of us form this duality. LOVE means the ending of hypocrisy, contradictory behavior. So when people pretend so much, they end up doing something crazy to themselves and/or to others. You can't keep on pretending without going nuts. While what I feel about my son's death is uncomfortable, because it is a part of my body that has died, since he was a product of my body. How can I not feel uncomfortable. Birth and Death do shake you to your core, and rightly so.

But when I feel the personal-quake that is my emotional mind, I don't want any one to hold my hand to comfort me at all. I NEED to feel the full impact of what I am feeling. I don't want to go to any funeral ceremony that will try to make me feel better. That is not doing me any favors. Anybody that helps me to run away from myself (and how I feel), is only helping me to DIS-INTEGRATE MY MIND. That would cause my entire world to shatter, and then I'd be just like all the dead-minded people in the world who are desperately frightened of living and dying. No thank you. 

I have given my life to Holistic Self-Awareness and that is what I will be doing until the day I depart from my physical body, which doesn't frightened me one bit. As I mentioned earlier, Living IS Dying. Dying is ending. Feelings naturally-end whenever they are fully and carefully listened to. The feelings are like flowers that bloom in full and then shrinks away. There is no need to force my feelings to go away. Each feeling has its own natural life-span. So I don't murder my feelings. That is what a conditioned mind is doing when people go to a therapist to help them get rid of their dark feelings. And so, I am dying to my feelings about my son by living with them, completely all by myself. I don't need any mental expert to define my mind when they are not wholly in touch with their own mind. Their degree doesn't prove anything except that they can remember concepts and abstractions about the emotional part of the mind. You or I don't "need" someone to hold our hand in order to be able to look at ourselves with complete honesty and directness. Because, it is only that direct-perception of how we feel about whatever we are going through in our lives that frees our mind from its feelings. 

So why do people go to funerals? 

It's not to say good-bye to the dead, for that is just a smoke-screen to cover up the real reason for the ritual. They are afraid to stand alone. They are psychological bricks in the wall whereby all the bricks look the same and so they must act the same way. So they copy the past behavior and fear how to live outside of that pattern of behavior. They all pretend to care about the dead person when they didn't care about him when he was alive. Caring is a byproduct of Holistic Self-Awareness. People have divided their minds and have suppressed one side of themselves, so they can't truly care. They can only lie and pretend that they are not lying. When a mind does that for its entire life, the mind becomes senile and no longer thinks that it is lying. A caring mind never lies to itself and so it is brutally honest with people. That is mistaken as being cold-blooded, mean or callous. But what is actually cold-blooded, mean or callous is being a contradiction, a hypocrite. It may sound nice and pleasing to your emotions, but it causes pain and suffering in the long run. And you end up with a world that we live in.

I may live in this world by doing business with people, but whenever people try to suck me into emotional gratification, I see the detriment of that and can't reciprocate the fake niceties. I live in this world for physical security, but I am not of this world, because I do not seek emotional-social acceptance. I'm not trying to impress any dead-minded people. These are minds that live in the past and are controlled by the emotional-past. I am not attached to the emotional past that was between me and my children (or with anyone, for that matter). I can remember what was said in the past, but I have no emotional attachment. The funeral breeds EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT & SENTIMENT! These are illusions of LOVE. And, it distorts the ability to see things clearly. It is the failure to see things clearly that caused my son's death. For, if he was perceiving his emotions without fighting against them, he would have learned about his nature and would have been free. Just like with the foam head when he realized that it was his mind scaring him, not the foam head.

Thinking about what should be or what should not be is what makes us fear our lives. Thinking, emotionally, blocks simple attention and awareness. This happens because of our DESIRE TO CONTROL OUR EMOTIONAL FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. I am not trying to control how I feel. I am simply being aware of how I feel. Awareness is PRESENTENCE while Desire is the PAST TENSE TRYING TO DOMINATE THE PRESENT (situation that it DISLIKES)! Emotional Mind is a slave to its LIKES & DISLIKES about reality. We try to edit our emotions in order to escape from feeling that one DISLIKES. That is Self-Warfare, which is Self-Hatred, and there can be no love in that.

So I see the illusion and destructiveness of funerals. It serves as a anchor to weigh the mind down into the Emotional Past. There is no freedom, peace or love in the Emotional Past. People get up and talk about their opinions about the dead person. That is meaningless. Emotional opinions are distortions based on the persons self-image, which is unreal. So what they have to say means nothing at all. It's all pure emotional gibberish. All that really matters is that I understand why my son destroyed his life. 

For, people who are not in complete contact with all of their emotional responses are the living-dead. Their bodies are living atoms, but their emotional-being is not in contact with itself. It replaces that contact with its emotional-past memories (called the imagination). There is no life in the emotional past memories. Whenever the mind seeks comfort in emotional past memories, it is, in effect, DEAD! And, that makes the body get put into harms way, which on the surface appears to be an accident.

My son was going through a mental battle like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (two sides of the same mental-coin). One side took the overdose, while the other side called 911 (but they couldn't reverse the damage). So the subconscious won the battle, but both sides lost the war. That is typical of conditioned thinking. And, most people are going through that very thing in many different ways. But ultimately, tradition advocates mental division. Even those who have wealth are in conflict, internally. The conscious mind says that it is happy, but on the flip side, it is miserable.

However, when I see my mind as it is, there is no duality because there is NO SEEKING TO ESCAPE FROM WHAT I FEEL no matter what I go through, be it pleasant or painful. For, my mind is both PLEASURE-PAIN/DAY-NIGHT/POSITIVE-NEGATIVE. I don't split that WHOLENESS OF MY EMOTIONAL BEING. These funeral rituals are there to motivate me (and everyone) into SPLITTING OUR MINDS INTO and CHASE AFTER THE POSITIVE (being your conscious desire) while SUPPRESSING THE NEGATIVE (subconscious opposing desire)! But, I embrace them equally, just like the Neutron that embraces the Negative-Electron/Positive-Proton, which is the Balanced State Of Holistic Harmony (between the opposite desires). The Neutral Energy IS THE OBSERVATIONAL CONTACT WITH WHATEVER I THINK OR FEEL IN MY EMOTIONAL BEING. There is no movement Away-From or Going-After any DESIRE TO CHANGE “WHAT IS” UNFOLDING WITHIN MY EMOTIONAL BEING.

You know, we are all going to eventually physically die one day. But, that does not concern me at all. What concerns me is how I LIVE!!! I Live in the FREEDOM TO OBSERVE MY MIND, FULLY! Understanding is a different kind of energy that guides my life. My entire life is in the hands of this Holistic Energy. This is why I am not afraid of turning my back on social traditional pressures and demands to talk and walk like a brick in the wall. This Holistic Energy is Timeless. Time is the EMOTIONAL PAST. FREEDOM FROM THE EMOTIONAL PAST IS THE TIMELESS (IS THE IMMORTAL). Continuity of the Past is not immortality. That is petrified decay. Real Immortality is the DYING & LIVING TO EACH THOUGHT & FEELING AS THEY ARISE AND NATURALLY FADE AWAY!

So I feel what I feel about my son's death until that feeling has told its complete story. And I wont interrupt that story as it unfolds in my consciousness. That is HOLISTIC SELF-AWARENESS! Because the feeling is not being broken, divided. Division occurs when the mind SEEKS AN ESCAPE INTO PLEASURE. Like the Pleasure of emotional gratification in order to distract a person from being in touch with how they truly feel about what is going on in their life. This is why I have no friends. Because, a dead-minded person is seeking “friends” in order to numb themselves from how they deeply feel. That causes a psychotic break in consciousness, which is the obstruction of Holistic Self-Awareness and True Living. When the Past is considered to be “goodness”, then society tries to impose that warped sense of “goodness” onto their so-called “friends”. A mind that is not WHOLE is unaware that it is self-destructive. So when it tries to befriend someone it is actually causing harm (while thinking it is doing you a favor).

So my oldest son thinks that he's doing me a favor by inviting me to my son's funeral. But really what he is doing is desiring to show up so that he can play the pretend-game with me about his dead brother. They were at odds with each other in a psychological competition. And where there is psychological competition, there is NO love! So I am not going to ease my oldest son's conscience. For every person has to be accountable for their state of being. I don't stroke anybody's ego, not even my own children's. One cannot partially abandon emotional social tradition. 

ALL PARTS OF IT ARE CORRUPT – EVEN THE PLEASURABLE PART. Both sides of the Emotional-Past must be seen as it is. It's like an Atom without a Neutron. One side looks like a beautiful angel, while the other side looks like an ugly devil. But both sides REJECT THE NEUTRAL HOLISTIC SELF-OBSERVATION, because both sides SEEK TO ESCAPE FROM BEING IN TOUCH WITH “ALL” OF ITS EMOTIONAL RESPONSES!!! The funeral is that ESCAPE. And, I can't obey the Emotional Past by attending my son's funeral. Going to such an event doesn't do a thing for my dead son. As I said earlier, the funeral is a mind-game for the survivors to play amongst themselves. I don't play mind-games.

This is not just about my particular life. After all, we are energy that impacts each other, emotionally. This is why when I write this, many people will be emotionally horrified at a mother who refuses to go to her son's funeral. Because, the mind has been programmed to conform to social traditions, especially those traditions that deal with the death of a family member. Most people's minds are not free to question the hidden motives behind traditional social norms. So they react like a computer program. And the script will be predictable. Either they will AGREE or DISAGREE with what I am saying and doing. I care not about either position.

Life is not a matter of AGREEMENT or DISAGREEMENT. Life is a matter of AWARENESS OF WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON, period. Now, you are either in contact with reality or you're not. Most people are not in contact with themselves, so they can't be in contact with reality around themselves. As I said, most people are psychologically DEAD! That means that the mind can't SEE ALL OF ITS EMOTIONAL RESPONSES (without imagining the OPPOSITE of how they truly feel). Where there is NO CONTACT within the mind, there is DEADNESS OF THE MIND. Hence, the Living-DEAD!

So as long I can Clearly See My Emotional Being (be it negative or positive feelings), my life is INTEGRATED and that means there is PEACE OF MIND no matter what crisis may arise. For, the Timeless, Neutral or Unbiased Self-Monitoring understands that the solution to any problem lies in the UNDERSTANDING of any problem. And, my son's death is no exception to that fact. It is a challenge, but the main challenge is the quality of my self-observation. Meaning, is my observation partial or is it WHOLE? All partial observations of your feelings must create suffering, confusion and cruelty.

This human race is at a a major cross-roads. Will it remain psychologically DEAD, or will its younger generation detect the flaw and begin to See the necessity of being Holistically Self-Aware? If the mind continues to DECAY, then like a house of cards, it must implode and totally collapse. Because, this DECADENT COLLECTIVE MIND HIVE is poisoning the entire world and killing this planet because it is only concerned about social traditional obedience, at any cost!

But, a Holistic Mind is the WILD-CARD that is having an unprecedented impact on the Whole Collective Mind Hive. You see, it is the NEUTRAL ENERGY IN THE HOLISTIC MIND OF THE INDIVIDUAL THAT IS CHANGING the COLLECTIVE MIND HIVE. What brings about stability in the Atom between the opposite energies? The NEUTRON (the neutral energy which has no negative or positive charge). So its energy is Non-Dualistic (Holistic). Unlimited Energy can easily cause the opposite energies in the Collective Mind Hive to be naturally Neutralized and Harmonized. 

Now, The Emotional Past hates that! It wants to CONTINUE, because it wants to pretend to be in charge of all matter. It was not designed to do that. Only the NEUTRAL ENERGY has that ability. This the reason why when I am faced with any problem, I turn all my problems over the the NEUTRAL ENERGY OF PERCEPTION. Therein lies tranquility, understanding and strength. This cruel-minded world causes problems to multiply, exaggerate and overwhelm our lives so that we will be too afraid to LOOK AT OUR EMOTIONAL RESPONSES. The struggle for physical survival has been co-opted into a Psychological War-game. The game demands that we play it. Now the funeral ritual is a social game that demands anybody who has a death in their immediate family to conform to the expectation of acting and talking a certain way (that is socially acceptable).

Since my life is grounded in the energy of NEUTRAL (unbiased) contact with ALL of my thoughts and feelings, that is the only energy that determines what happens not only to me, but to the WHOLE HUMAN SUBCONSCIOUS COLLECTIVE EMOTIONAL MIND. Because I am a Human Being, what I do in my mind affects the WHOLE HUMAN SUBCONSCIOUS COLLECTIVE EMOTIONAL MIND, because I'm not functioning as a “Local Entity”. A “Local Entity” emotionally segregates itself into a race, religion, nationality, family, etc. I have no such identifications. Yes, my son is gone. That is the biological part of my life. But, I represent the entire psychological history of Mankind. This would be true of others, except they accept their conditioned programmed thinking. Whereas, I do not emotionally go-along-to-get-along.

As time goes on, I am being threatened and pressured by the Subconscious Collective Mind Hive to abandon how I am living. And, even though it is unpleasant to feel what I am feeling about my son's death, I truly see the crucial importance of feeling the entire impact until there's nothing left all to feel. No feeling is forever, because all feelings are naturally limited, either positive or negative. So I'm not worried about it. It's just a part of living.

However, when my mental-star super-novas one day, at the core of my being will be released an ENERGY that will shake the foundation of this entire Human Mind Hive, if I die with a Holistic Self-Attention. So between now and that fateful day, the Subconscious Collective Mind Hive is trying to frighten me into surrendering to its will to continue as the Dead Traditional Past. For, it has never faced its own extinction. Sure, many bodies have come and gone, but the rotten core has always remained, because no Man & Woman ever lived in grounded Neutrality until now. J. Krishnamurti completed the Alpha and now I am in the process of completing the Omega. When the Atomic Equation has been completed then that is the Holistic KEY-STONE that will neutralize The entire core root directory of the Subconscious Collective Mind Hive that will usher in the unprecedented paradigm shift in Human Consciousness.

What that means is that for the first time ever, there will be an awakening in the Emotional Mind that can easily understand its Whole-Self (that is the positive and negative thoughts and feelings without opposition). For the sake of this planet and every living creature on it, that has to happen. For if it doesn't, then the last 10% of the marine life will parish and then its over for everything on Earth. That is why my personal tragedy is also interconnected with all of what I have just explained. 

I don't live a self-centered life. This life of mine is merely an energetic tool to correct the course that Human Consciousness has been on for a very long time. It is not me, as a local entity, that is bringing about this significant change. It is the Energy Of Perception Of My Feelings that is doing everything. You can't see energy, but you can't exist without it. The Neutron Energy is said to be NOTHING, yet that NOTHING is what makes all atomic matter exist at all. That NOTHING (which has no opposing parts), is what is operating in my psyche and was operating in J. Krishnamurti's psyche. I know this because of facing challenges against my physical survival, which should have wiped me off the face of this Earth. And, J.K. was faced with the same challenges, as well. I've investigated his life very thoroughly. Most of the people who attended his talks were covertly there to confuse him and to get him to contradict himself, not just verbally but inside his emotional being.

How can you explain a woman living for decades without any friends, belonging to no groups, having no relatives to lean on and working in jobs that are highly dangerous? There were multiple occasions when it appeared like there was a memo sent to the Collective Subconscious Mind to not do any business with me. And, what did I do? I simply laid down and watched my feelings (not to get any result). I was prepared to wither out of existence. I do not care if I physically die. But, lo and behold, suddenly the Collective Mind sent people to do business with me. Why? 

Because, I'm mentally tied to the Collective Mind as a Human Being. If I physically die without surrendering to its traditional social demands (just like J. Krishnamurti didn't), then the foundational core of this Collective Subconscious Mind Hive starts to dissolve into my mental Neutral Energy Field. If that were not true, then at the last minute, resources would not suddenly appear out of nowhere for my survival, time and time again. I don't go searching or begging to physically live. I leave my fate in the hands of the Neutral Energy that is present while I am observing my feelings as I am being physically deprived by this psychological collective social matrix of hypocrisy. All the commercials sound like they are helping our lives, whereas underneath the messages it is attacking us.

It's the Law of Quantum Entanglement whereby the Unified Field of Energy on a subatomic level is being guided by the Energy of The Holistic Self-Observation. My thought or desire has nothing to do with it. I AM NOTHING AT MY EMOTIONAL CORE. I SEEK NOTHING FROM ANY EMOTIONAL MIND. This is why I care not about what anybody thinks about me not attending my son's funeral. It is like that movie called, “The Truman Show” whereby everyone was emotionally playing a mind control game on “Truman” in order to keep him in a blind pattern of obedience. Similarly, this emotional-social demand of my attendance to my son's funeral is the Collective Subconscious Mind Hive's attempt at getting me to bow down to its emotional will. 

After all, most women are easily manipulated by their emotions regarding their kids. It's the ultimate effort to hijack or hack into my emotional mind. I am suppose to be afraid of how my family will think of me for declining to go to my son's funeral. But, I am not. As I said, my life isn't being lived for my personal desires. My life is being lived in a Holistic Universal Atomic Energy that serves the good of all, not just this petty Human Imaginative Existence, which is at odds with the Natural Order of Atomic Energy. For at the core of this Imaginative Existence is BIAS, CONTRADICTION. 

The Collective Subconscious Mind Hive has no intrinsic right to exist at the extinction of the whole planet. The Holistic Approach is the only way to resolve this humungous mess in this world that Humans have made as a result of their self-centered egotistical conditioned automatic social obedience. No organization can resolve this. It takes individuals who are not afraid to be Holistically in touch with themselves. That is the challenge that is facing this world every single day. These economic and environmental imbalances and inequalities are all coming from the failure to be Holistically Learning about ALL EMOTIONAL RESPONSES taking place in our mind. This holographic world is reflecting the internal disharmony in each person's mind, which is all linked to the Subconscious Collective Mind Hive.

J. Krishnamurti warned everyone not to take what he was pointing out as being entertainment. This is the most important thing in the world. This must be understood no matter how painful and difficult it may be. Failure to understand your mind, makes your mind a weapon of mass destruction. For, all weapons of mass destruction were created by THE MIND, itself. Mind is only a beautiful instrument when it Totally Communes with itself. But, social tradition forbids that. Society has been trained to believe that obedience to social norms is what morality and goodness is. People stay in loveless marriages as if staying was some act of kindness. Meanwhile, they truly hate their spouse. They merely put on a show for the neighbors so that they can pretend to be loving. But when nobody's watching them, they go sneak out and stab their partners in the back and betray them. Then they return home with gifts and flattery in order to wash off their betrayal. And, they think that is being moral.

Duality, contradiction is violence masquerading as social order. Disharmony or disorder is The Emotional Past perpetuating itself using emotional peer-pressure to rationalize, justify its existence. I am not condemning this process. I am merely exposing it to the light and seeing it exactly for what it is. It is THE REAL WORLD MONSTER that most people are hiding from. They kiss the monster's egotistical ass and hope that it wont destroy their lives. But, in doing that, they are destroying their lives, as well as the environment, and all of those people who are linked to their lives.

SEEING THE FALSE AS THE FALSE IS THE ONLY TRUTH (not my truth but the objective truth). Goodness can only flower in the field of Holistic Perception, which means seeing what is actually going on in your mind and in the minds of others. For the Emotional Mind does the same thing in everyone. It's just that its superficial style looks slightly different. But, the contents are all the same – the contents is CONTRADICTION. Your true feelings are always being masked by your pretentious language. That is CONTRADICTION. If you can't be honest with yourself, then you can't be honest with anybody. The Emotional Past is Dishonesty trying to hijack and cover up the facts in the present. So this funeral game is the essence of DISHONESTY – pretending to be compassionate about someone who has died. Pretending to care about the surviving parent. That is meaningless and a total waste of energy, which is of no interest to me.

My son is gone and that is an absolute fact. No ceremony can change that. I don't seek to escape from how I feel about his absence in my life. To move away from how I feel is FEAR, is DESTRUCTION, is OBEDIENCE TO CORRUPTION (corruption is the Emotional Past dividing ones attention away from being in touch with how one feels). That is immorality (yet it pretends to be moral). The traditional funeral ceremony is just a social entertainment hoax designed to destroy mental sanity.